Soren's House
by Writer Awakened
Summary: FE9, 10. A parody of a certain compelling medical drama. Guess which. Starring everyone's favorite sarcastic, witty, cynical...but brilliant doctor...SOREN! In this chapter: Titanny and her ultimatum, Fishmongols, Ilyana, and the hunt for fresh meat. Now with 100% less stupid.
1. Ilyana, Interrupted

Soren's House

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_Episode 1: Ilyana, Interrupted_

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Soren sat in his chair, tapping the stone floor with a wooden walking stick he had found lying around. The wars were over, and Ike was staying in Crimea while deciding where to travel aimlessly for the rest of his life. Meanwhile, Soren had found a way to kill the time in-between killing things: Using his Beautiful Mind (TM!) to solve some of the world's most baffling medical mysteries.

It was a beautiful day, cloudless and comfortably warm, and the sun filtered soft orange daylight through the open window. A cool breeze blew through and the sounds of songbirds filled the air. Soren, being the curmudgeon he is, didn't give two craps about how nice it was outside. Bored out of his skull and a little bit hungry, he bitch-slapped the ground with his cane and whistled off-tune.

There was a gentle rap on the outside of the door and Soren sat upright.

"What?" he barked.

"Um, is that Soren?"

It was Ilyana. Soren sighed.

"How disappointed would you be if I weren't?"

Long pause. Then, from through the door, "Um…"

"Just come in," Soren said, shaking his head.

After a few seconds of struggling, Ilyana managed to open the door and shuffled into the room.

"Hello, Soren."

"I suppose I have a few seconds to spare on your most-definitely life-threatening condition. 'Course, I still need to make dinner. Steak. Mmm mmm."

"Um…" Ilyana's mouth watered and she smacked her lips.

"So," Soren said, leaning back and poking at the ground with his cane. "What's the problem? It might take a while, but I'll figure out what's causing it. Shoot."

"I'm hungry."

Long pause.

"I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt: You're so deliriously ill that you think being hungry is a serious illness. The other alternative would be that you're just a moron, which I admit is a pretty enticing alternative to consider."

"No, I mean…well…" Ilyana sat down across from the doctor. "Isn't it…unusual for me to be so hungry? I'm always hungry for things like chicken…and steak…and chicken-fried steak…and steak-fried chicken…and fruit…a leg of lamb would be _soooooo_ good right now."

Soren swiveled around in his chair a few times before he realized that the chair he was sitting in wasn't meant to spin like that. He shook his head. This was almost as bad as the clinic.

"Well, there are a few possibilities as to why you're hungry all the time, Ilyana," Soren said, pretending to draw breasts in the stone floor with the tip of his cane. "Luckily, most of them don't involve me actually having to look at you."

"What…what are the possibilities?" Ilyana said meekly (as opposed to yelling it loudly or saying it forcefully with a bit of hope and a subtle energy).

"Well, let's see. We'll go through the list of symptoms and see what we find." Soren looked around the room, then peered under his desk. "Oh, crap, just my luck. Do you happen to have a whiteboard handy?"

"Um…what's a 'whiteboard'?"

"Never mind. We'll go down the line, shall we? You're suffering from extreme hunger, you never get full from eating food, you never gain any weight no matter what, and you're frail and sickly all the time, plus you can't take a hit to save your life. And you couldn't double-attack a pile of wood. Did I get all of them?"

Ilyana squeaked. She looked idly out the window and Soren wondered if her problems came from an addiction to "suspect" mushrooms and she was just lying like a junkyard ho about it. Because everybody lies.

"I, um—" Ilyana started.

"Yes?"

"I think it's lupus," she said.

Long pause. Soren blinked. "You think it's—"

"Yes."

"You fool! You know what I'm going to say, right?"

"No."

"You eeeeeeediot!" Soren yelled, and smacked Ilyana on the head with his cane. She yelped, and Soren sighed again. Long day. "You're wrong, by the way."

"So, so, can you help me, doctor?" Ilyana rubbed her head and swayed precariously in her chair. She eyed an apple sitting on Soren's side of the desk and started to feel very light-headed. "It makes me irritable whenever someone takes my food away. And it's hard to make magic go in the right direction on an empty stomach. It's…urr….not a very good feeling. I'm so hungry I thought I hallucinated the other day. I thought I was hunting a Humpback Snorklecracker."

Soren rolled his eyes. His patience was running about as thin as Ilyana's stomach.

"I hate to break this to you—actually I don't really care—but I know exactly what you have," Soren said. "Well, aside from being a loony moon unit, I mean. Ilyana, you have chronic Get-fat-a-few-years-later-itis. It's the only logical way to interpret the constant hunger, the never gaining weight thing, and yada yada yada. Get-fat-a-few-years-later-itis has no long term effects except for the fact that in exactly two years you'll blow up like a hot-air balloon and you'll be so ungodly huge that Ashnard would rise from the dead just to ride you."

"But…but people just tell me I have a good metab—"

"_Suuure_, that's what they all say," Soren said, rolling his eyes. "I get to do the diagnosing, lady; that's why they pay me the not-so-big bucks."

"Are you sure that's the right diagnosis?"

"Well," Soren said, tapping his chin with his finger. "Considering that I'm right and everyone else is wrong, I think it's safe to say that the diagnosis, at least, is sound. You, on the other hand, are very suspect. Be glad you don't have Neurobeuropullmynosis. Watch out for stray gusts of wind. Cheerio!"

"Um, but I thought, um..."

"Look, do you want me to say you have an eating disorder or something? I mean, excuse me for being scientific!"

"W-well, w-what can I do to help myself get better?" Ilyana asked.

"Well," Soren said, sitting forward with his head in his hands. "There are two surefire things you can do to help yourself. You ready? Okay, first, get the hell out of my office. Second, get a forklift."

"Huh?"

"In two years, you'll be so abysmally chunky, even _Gatrie_ won't hit on you. Now if you'll excuse me, I have business." Soren stood up and twirled his cane. "Doctor Soren needs his alone time. It's what's for dinner!"

Ilyana quietly shuffled out of the room, quietly muttering "dinner" on her way out.

After he had ensured that Ilyana was long gone, Soren sank down into his chair and rustled through his desk. He swept the inside of it clean with his hand, and when he didn't find the comforting feel of bottle, he looked into the dark drawer. At last, he pulled out a bottle of elixir, empty and clear.

_Empty_.

"Oh shit," Soren said. He started to feel his body shake. He was going into withdrawal already.

"I'm out of Vulnerary."


	2. Son of Hero Guy

_Episode 2: Son of Hero Guy_

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ADULT HUMOR! YAY!

-

"Hey, Soren."

Night had fallen, and the crickets began to chirp wildly. Shortly after Ilyana had left his office, Doctor Soren had called her back into his room and requested she bring him a pack of Vulnerary from the market. Conveniently, the doctor had killed some guy in the streets a few days back, so he had a dead guy to write a bullshit prescription for.

Ilyana's payment for her services, of course, was a rack of lamb. She left that room _so_ fast…

Soren looked up from his desk, where he pretended to play the flute with his big wooden walking stick. Then he picked up his _cane_ and twirled _that_ around. A man's voice had spoken from behind the door and Soren ignored it as long as he could until the guy at the door started a'knockin'.

"Oh, nurse!" Soren yelled. There was a chorus of footsteps, the male voice said "ow!" and a thin red-haired woman in a nurse's outfit burst through the door.

"Yes, doctor?" she said, giggling. "Tee hee."

"Figure out who it is at the door."

"Tee hee. All righty. I think it's someone named Gregory," the nurse said, and went to the door. "Who is it?"

There was an awkward, forced silence, and then a voice shot through the door. "Soren, you know it's me."

Soren rolled his eyes. "Yeah, it's Ike," he muttered. "Let him in."

The nurse opened the door and Ike clomped into the room.

"Doctor Kierkegaard will see you now, tee hee," the nurse said.

"I told you, Anna, it's 'Doctor Soren'! Get the form of address right!"

The red-headed nurse winked and did a pirouette. "Anything you say, cutie," she said (Soren cringed), and filtered out through the door, humming a seaman's shanty off-tune.

When he was certain he and the doctor were alone, Ike removed his pants.

"Ike, what the flonk are you doing?" Soren exclaimed.

"I went fighting in the arena and I wore my battle pants," Ike explained after Soren exclaimed. "You know, the one with the metal butt-plates?"

"Who wears armor with butt-plates?"

Ike shrugged. "I dunno, I'm sure there's someone out there who would. Probably the same kind of person who would say 'I'm gonna go save Agrias! Geronimo!'"

"What?"

"What?"

"Anyway," Soren said, clearing his throat. "So, uh, why are you here, Ike?"

Ike thought for a moment and said, "I got a problem." He threw his pants aside.

"Holy crap, Ike, there's blood all over your pants!" Soren said as he noticed bloodstains all over the front of Ike's battle pants.

"You _just_ noticed that?"

"Well, I was trying not to look, but—you know what, it's not my problem. Forget it."

"Okay," Ike said, shrugging. "I'm going to sit down. That okay?"

"Uh, sure," Soren said. By the way, are those velvet purple pants you're wearing?"

Ike looked down at his velvet purple pants and stood there in silence as the chorus of crickets and cicadas chirped curiously and quickly.

"I do believe these are velvet purple pants I'm wearing, Soren. Elincia gave them to me."

"Okay, I'll humor you," Soren said sarcastically. He sat down at his desk and motioned for Ike to sit in the chair across from him. "Why are you wearing velvet purple pants?"

"Apparently Elincia thinks I'm a prince."

Soren rolled his eyes. "Well that was a waste of a perfectly good five seconds. Was there any particular reason you came into my office, or did you just want to make a House call? Ha ha." Soren laughed and tapped his cane on the cold stone floor in time with the night insects.

"You don't seem to be in a very good mood today, Soren."

"I'm old and I'm cranky," Soren said. "Next time someone tries to arrest me for that, I'm going to tell them to f-f-f-f-f-f-flink off."

Soren yawned and tapped on his desk. It was always something. Someone always had a complaint. Usually Ike, who spent his time getting the shit kicked out of him in the arena. He wasn't going to admit it to anyone, but not being at war bored Soren out of his gourd, and seeing one bone-headed muscle-nut covered in blood every day like clockwork wasn't exactly a perfect substitute.

"Actually, there is something I wanted to discuss with you," Ike said. "It's pretty important. You have a minute?"

"Uh, s-sure," Doctor Soren said, sitting forward. His heart jump-roped. "What's up? I'm there for you, Ike."

"First, though, I wanted to ask: Since when did you have a nurse on staff, Soren?"

"Absolutely, Ike. Anything. I'd do _anything_ for you," Soren said. "Wait, what did you say?"

"Um, I asked why you had a nurse on staff."

"Oh. OH! Oh," Soren said, sitting back. "Right. Well, uh, I figured it was getting annoying having people coming to my door unannounced, so I needed a bouncer. A _big_ bouncer. That's why I got Anna."

"But why a nurse?" Ike asked.

"Because she's hot!"

Ike thought for a moment, then nodded. "Can't argue that."

"I mean, nursey nursey," Soren said, raising his eyebrows. "Huh? I'm sure you'd love to get a _thorough checkup_ from her, huh? Huh? I'm sure she'd like to _suspend_ your _game_ any day of the week, huh? Hmmmmm?"

"Sounds like a dream come true, my friend."

"It was either Anna or some big sailor guy named Jake." Soren scoffed and flipped his hair. "It wasn't even a choice, right? I mean, come on. It, ah, wasn't even a decision for me! Who wouldn't want a cheap red-headed slut in charge of their primary medical care?"

"Soren, don't talk about yo momma like that."

"Ohhhhhhh snap!" Soren said, smacking his knee. "No you did not."

"I so did," Ike said with an alarmingly straight face. "Anyway, the nurse logic sounds logical enough," Ike said, sharpening his sword. "Actually, that has something to do with what I wanted to ask you."

"Is it now? _Do tell_." Soren leaned forward in mock interest.

"I think I have a problem, and I'm starting to be concerned. Is it unusual that I've shown no interest in any romantic relationships whatsoever?"

"It's possible that would be considered 'refreshing' in this day and age. Melodrama is _sooo_ last year." Soren said.

"Still, people are saying it's unusual for anyone to be completely devoid of romantic interest. Relationships are kinda boring. I'd rather smash some heads in and fight some lions than do something _intimate_."

"Admittedly, that is a _bit_ unusual."

"I figured you might know what's wrong with me, since you have so much knowledge of arcane lore and the workings of the human body." Ike started pacing around the room.

The night had now completely fell, and the room was dark but for several torches on the wall and a small scented candle encased in sculpted glass sitting on Soren's desk. The doctor sat with his hands crossed under his chin, looking devilish in the dim light of his office.

"Um…to be honest, I can't see my whiteboard clearly, so I would have a little bit of trouble thinking this one through."

"Okay."

"The most likely answer is that you are an imperceptive idiot."

"Okay. Wait—"

"But give me a minute. I can think of a more specific diagnosis."

"It's all right, Soren, take your time."

"Uh…hmm…dammit." Soren hit his desk with his fist. "I guess I picked a bad day to quit using my brain. And smoking."

Ike sighed. He continued pacing around and accidentally walked into the far wall.

"Ow! Stupid darkness!"

"Ike, get back here."

Ike wandered back, rubbing his head. He sat down.

"All right, Ike. I think I know the problem."

"What is it?"

"You're just a bonehead, Ike."

"Okay…"

"And I'm afraid it's terminal."

"Okay."

"Gaw dammit, Ike, is that all you can say? I'm telling you that you are a steak-headed bone-brain and all you can say is 'Okay'?"

"…what?"

Soren sighed and swiveled in his chair. The torchlight flickered and the night insects chirped.

"Okay, Ike, I have an idea. So you say you have no interest in romantic relationships whatsoever?"

"Or so I'm told."

Soren rolled his eyes and cleared his throat. He motioned for Ike to sit down. "I, uh—have the perfect way to help you get accustomed to relationships, if you want."

Ike thought about it for a moment, and then he nodded. "Okay."

"It is, after all, all about the squishy," Soren said. "You want some of that squishy?"

Ike thought about it again. After a moment of apparent deep thought, Ike nodded and leaned forward. "I admit, sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a handful of warm pink squishy."

"Good for you."

"So what do I do?"

"Well," Soren said, "I could medicate you. But that would be _boring_. And boring stuff sucks. So let's try some hands on therapy. Take off your sword."

Ike paused and looked around the room. One of the torches had gone out. "My sword?"

"You won't need it." Doctor Soren stood up and walked around to the other side of the desk. "Stand up."

Ike stood up and Soren stood in front of him, hands on his hips. "Now look into my eyes," Soren said.

"Okay…"

"What do you see?"

"Huh?"

"What do you see, Ike? What do you see?" Soren leaned closer. "Anything? Do you see anything?"

"Um…your eyes are all red."

Soren sighed.

"Oop, now you just rolled them!"

"Maybe I'll take a different tack," Soren said, thinking quickly. "What do you think of when you think of love, Ike?"

"Uh…well…"

"Yes?"

"Uh, companionship?" Ike said, shrugging. "I don't know, people kissing?"

"Yes…"

"Uh, maybe…I dunno."

Soren sighed and stood back. "Okay, this is harder than I thought it would be. No wait, actually, I _did_ think it would be damn near impossible. I guess I am always right. Go figure. All right, here's what we're going to do."

The doctor grabbed both of Ike's hands. "Now," he said, "say 'I've never met anyone like you before.'"

"What will that accomplish?"

"It's a simulation, Ike. I'm trying to simulate the conditions of a powerful romantic relationship here. Aside from just giving you magic shrooms, I don't know what else is going to work. And to be honest, this is a hell of a lot easier and I won't have to bullshit the Board of Directors to get the goods."

"Okay, if you say so."

"So say it."

"I've never met anyone like you before."

"And what's my name?" Doctor Soren asked.

"Soren."

"Ike."

"Yes?"

"Now, now say 'I've never felt like this before in my life.'"

"I've never felt like this before in my life," Ike repeated.

"And, and 'I want to be with you forever'," Soren said, his mouth suddenly cotton dry.

"Uh, I want to be with you forever," Ike said monotonously. Soren moved closer.

"Ike."

"Yes?"

"Say 'I love you'. Say 'I love you'!"

"Erm, okay. Uh, I l—"

The door to the room burst open and Soren jumped nearly five feet in the air.

"You have a visitor, Doctor Kierkegaard!"

Doctor Soren put his hand to his chest and breathed deeply. Nurse Anna stood at the door, seemingly at full spirits despite it being nearly midnight. Behind her stood Ilyana with a small brown bag clutched tightly to her chest.

"A-Anna! You…"

"Hey, Soren, thanks," Ike said, smiling. He slapped Soren on the back heartily a few times until the doctor coughed and stumbled forward. "I think I got it now."

Ike walked across the room and took Anna's hands in his. She gasped coyly and smiled as he stared into her eyes.

"Anna, I've—I've never met anyone like you before. I've—"

"Take me, handsome!" Anna said suddenly, kissing him square on the lips, wrapping her arms around him and _pulling_ him with her out the door into the hall. Ike flashed a thumbs-up with his right hand as he faded away and shut the door behind him.

Doctor Soren stood, his teeth gritted, staring at Ilyana, who stood near the door, swaying from side to side.

"Um, doctor? I brought your Vul—"

"Oh, shut up."


	3. Drunk in Paradise

_Episode 3: Drunk in Paradise_

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"Ilyana," Soren said. "You better have my stuff. And a lot of it. Because if you don't I'm going to get medieval on your ass."

"I—I do have the things you asked for."

"Fine. I'll get that raw meat for you tomorrow. I'm as beat as a filly in a Daein stable." Soren gasped. "Oh my goddess, I'm so tired I'm spitting out clichés. Maybe I should medicate myself. Oh NURSE. Hand over dat Vulnerary, it's prescription time!"

"Um, Doctor Soren?" Ilyana said as Soren snatched the bag from her hands. "Where did Ike and, um, Nurse Anna go?"

"Twenty large says they're going to get biblical."

"What?"

Soren shook his head. "You'll get it when you're older. For now, you're the de-facto nurse. I don't like it, but ehhh, I'll deal with it. Hey, maybe in a few years you can 'service' me as well as Nurse Anna can. Because there ain't no one like a red-headed slut when it comes to good 'service', ain't it great?"

"Um…I guess."

Soren spun around. "Luckily for you, I have a position available on my staff." Soren winked suggestively.

"I thought Nurse Anna was on your staff."

"No, right about now she's on Ike's staff getting quite a _big bonus_. And I have the feeling she's going to be _working overtime _if Ike doesn't _leave early_."

"But…Ike's not a doctor."

Soren facepalmed. "Look, just scram. I'm going to get loaded on pree-skription Vulnerary and hit the hay. I'm just glad I don't have any more clients."

The door busted open.

"HEY GUYS!"

Ilyana shrieked, and Shinon staggered into the doctor's office, a giant feather in one hand and a flask of something in the other.

"Speaking of loaded…" Soren said, rolling his eyes.

"Sho, howsh life treating ya, you overshized fruitcake?" Shinon took a swig of drink and tickled Ilyana with his feather. She ran away.

"Hey doctor, I got thompthin to tell ya. YOU SUCK! Ha ha ha ha ha…"

Soren rolled his eyes. He spun around in his chair and threw down some Vulnerary.

"I'm gonna have to find another dead guy to write out a prescription of Vulnerary for," he said.

"LISHEN TO ME!" Shinon yelled, drinking. "I got—gotta problem."

"Wow, I would never have guessed that. Any more fascinating tidbits of information you want to share with me?"

"Hey! Hey hey hey! Heyeyeyeyeyeyeyey mister don't start being a smart ass with me!"

Soren rolled his eyes again. Shinon was standing on the other side of the desk, really _really_ drunk (as if that were not already obvious.)

"Okay. Why don't you tell me exactly what hurts, and I'll tell you how you can go screw yourself," Soren said.

Shinon paused for a moment. For a few seconds there was blissful silence, and the insects of the night chirped merrily. Why the cicadas cry, we may never know, but one explanation is Shinon.

"Well, heresh my prob—prob—pobem," Shinon said. He took a drink. "Me an—an a guy friend of mine, we was goin' to—now, now I mean it, we weres going to beat on some woodland animalsh together."

"Oh, is that what they're calling it nowadays?" Soren said, quaffing Vulnerary.

"An', an' then we were going to shoot our arrows in a couple stumps."

"Oh, is that what they're calling it nowadays?"

"An', an' then we were goin' to whomp some yahoos with sticks."

"Okay, I know for a fact _that's_ not what they're calling it nowadays…"

"An', an' then we were goin' to buy a hotel room an—"

"All right, that's enough of that," Soren said, groaning. "So what you're saying is, you really don't have anything _wrong_ with you, you just came to boast about how you and some other _dude_ were about to have a 'long discussion of geopolitical affairs in layman's terms'."

"Uhhh….whu-huh?"

Soren facepalmed. "That's exactly what I thought. Okay, I have the perfect cure for what you have. Come over here, Shinon."

Shinon stumbled around to the other side of the desk and stood in front of Soren. He tried to tickle the doctor, but Soren's stare was cold enough to freeze fire.

"Time to give you a check-up. Get over here. Stick out your tongue."

Shinon was going to protest, but belched instead.

"If you stick out your tongue, I'll give you candy," Soren said.

Shinon, being too drunk to remember his name, stuck out his tongue because he liked candy.

Soren grinned evilly. He grabbed a pair of tongs and grabbed Shinon's tongue. Shinon, of course, protested, but these were magical tongs, able to turn tongues truthful with a single tug.

"Now tell me, Shinon. What is the real reason you came to my humble abode tonight? Tell me the truth, or I'll hit you. And you can't sue because you deserve it. What is the real reason you came to my humble abode tonight?"

"Ah…" Shinon said, gagging. "Ah caat teeh ya any-hin ca you gah my tahhg!"

"What's that, Shinon? Did you say Rolf fell down the old well?"

"No damma, ah shed you gadda leggo ma tuggg!"

"What's that, Shinon? You say you want fish? Okay, I'll get you a barrel of fish as long as you balance a ball on your no—"

"OH, FUHYOU MAHATHATIN PITHA FUHFIN SIT, I ODDA FUTHIN RIP AH YAH TAAG ATHEE HA YA LAAI ED!"

"Oh, I get it. You need to be medicated. I'll write you a 'script for Spritzerin, the wonder drug. Like penicillin…except, you know, for drunk psycho nutjobs instead of…whores." Soren took out a blue pen (the pen is blue! The pen is blue! _The damn pen is bluuueee_!) and wrote something on a small slip of paper.

"AHTHA PETHTIN THA POGGIE FOM YOW."

"Okay, now I just have no clue what the flying flink you're saying. Sober up and call me in the morning. Unless you can 'service' me like Nurse Anna can—and I know that's why you're here, you falling-down drunk fruits basket—you might as well stop wasting my time. Here, take this and give it to the Farmer Cyst's Guild and they'll give you the stuff." Soren thrust the prescription into Shinon's hand.

"MAH TUGG!"

"Oh, right, sorry. Are your motor skills so bad that you can't take off the tongs yourself?"

Shinon put his hand to his face and accidentally poked himself in the eye. "AAAAAOH!"

Soren rolled his eyes and removed the tongs.

"Ah! Hey, thanksh little feller that's actually half deshent of you. Yknow I got ta thinkin' and I just wanted to say that…I RULE!" Shinon took a big swig of drink and dropped his prescription.

"All right, that's it. Let me ask you something," Soren said, folding his hands in the way that evil geniuses do (and then say "mwa ha ha ha"). "Mwa ha ha ha," Soren said, grinning in a way that was both evil AND stylish. "No, seriously, man, you think you're hot shit, don't youse?"

"Well, shit yeah I do."

"So tell me exactly how hot shit you are."

Shinon stood up and puffed out his chest while he took a ferocious drink. "Are you shittin' me? I'm the besht—aweshomest archer on this widdle bittle tiny winy planet we call Earf."

"Earf?"

"Yeah, we…we liff on a planet called Earf an'…an' the people all make big buildings of steel that go waaaaaaay up into the sky an' an' they have this machine that can take two sheep, right, right, they take two sheep, right, and no wait I mean ONE sheep, yeah one sheep, and they make it into two. Like, like, like, like a doll…or something. That goes baaaaaaaaaaaaaaa moo. Ohh mah tug—I mea, tongue, oh it hurts."

Soren crinkled his brow. "Uh huh. Right. 'Earf.' Yeah, okay, right, I'll buy that. What exactly is that stuff you're drinking?"

"NO! You can't have it. It's mine. You want it but you can never evereverevereverevereverevereverEVER have it, 'cause it'sh mine mine mine. Hahahahaha! You…you just an ass-backwardsh guy who sheecretly likes to take it up the—"

Before Shinon could finish, Soren stood up, leapt five feet into the air, and dropkicked Shinon halfway across the room.

"Ha HA, beeyotch!" Soren proclaimed triumphantly. "Oh, you were all shootin' off some straight shit until you got KICKED IN YO CHEST! That's right, ho. That's right. Uh! Uh! This is _my house_! That's right, this is **MY HOUSE**, you pink-haired whippersnapper!" Soren started doing triumphant pelvic thrusts and went into an impromptu chicken dance that soon became a freestyle breakdance session set to the tune of "Flaming Disco Mania"…for some odd reason.

Meanwhile, Shinon was groaning and licking up some of his booze that had spilled all over the ground, aww poor baby.

Soren stood up and cleared his throat while simultaneously wiping the dirt off his robes, drinking an apple martini, and "servicing" some elf chicks that had mysteriously appeared under his desk (Doctor Soren can do things like that, and no one minds because he's _that_ good of a doctor.)

"Anyway, NOW you have something treatable," said the doctor. "A serious chest injury. And a hangover tomorrow. I'll give you a prescription for some sleeping pills and suggest you sleep. FOREVER. And if that doesn't work, do the world a favor and go make yourself taller."

"No, I don't wanna," Shinon said stubbornly, still lapping up booze while groaning in pain. He looked like a fish with pink hair.

"Oh NURSE!" Soren yelled.

Ilyana sleepily walked into the room.

"Hungry…"

"I told you, I'd get you the money—er, meat, tomorrow," Soren snapped. "Anyway, I need you. There's an 'uninvited guest' hanging around who is in desperate need of getting the hell out of here."

"Who?"

Soren facepalmed. "You, if you don't shut up."

"Oh."

"Ilyana, do you have your head in the clouds?"

Ilyana blinked. "Do I what?"

"Can I touch your boobs?"

"My what?"

Soren rolled his eyes. "Okay, look, just get this stupid drunken archer guy out of my office, will ya? I need to get back to my porn."

"Your what?"

Soren beat Ilyana with a paper fan quite viciously. She yelped and decided to do what the doctor ordered. She picked up Shinon and quickly walked out of the room, muttering something about lamb and fruit and roast chicken and **pie** and boobs.

"Now how can a sweet little girl like her carry a big frackin' lump of shat like that?" Soren pondered as he spun around in his chair. He needed more Vulnerary. "How did that girl get so freaking freakishly strong? I might have expected something like that out of a crappy comic book, where the superheroine gets her powers from nuclear waste or radiation or someth—"

Soren sat up straight. Finally he had a revelation. He knew exactly what ailment Ilyana was suffering from, exactly how to treat it, and why what they had been doing before to try to help her had not worked. Then he promptly forgot the revelation and decided to go to sleep.


	4. Viki!

_Episode 4: Viki!?!_

-

(Author's 'not-Death' Note: Viki is not mine…but if I had a choice I'd make her mine ifyaknowwhatImean wink wink nudge nudge)

-

It was the next day in the afternoon, and Nurse Anna was back in Soren's "office," looking perkier than ever. _Bounce, bounce_. For some odd reason, she wore a lampshade on her head.

"_Hellooo_ doctor!" said the nurse. "I feel so good! And tired! And sore."

"So how were your little sexual escapades?" Soren said absentmindedly as he peeled a banana. "Don't spare me any of the juicy details. After all, like the Kremlin, we have no secrets between us. Haha."

"Ooh, I certainly could, Doctor Kierkegaard. Tee hee," Anna said, suckling on her finger mischievously. "But that would be inappropriate for a PG-13 audience."

Soren sat up straight and shoved the banana into his mouth. After he had finished licking and chewing, he swallowed. Then he spoke. "First, don't call me 'Doctor Kierkegaard.' Second…Anna, you do realize that you're breaking the fourth wall, right?"

"Tee hee. Yes."

"Well, okay," Soren said, sitting back. "Just so you know."

"You're going to have to pay 19.95 if you want the X-rated version," Anna said, giggling. "_Anna Gone Crazy_. Tee hee. And if you call right now, we'll even throw in _Anna Gone Crazy: Hot Catgirl Edition_. These crazy catgirls will do anything to get on camera, and I mean _anything_. Tee hee. I know you'd like that, wouldn't you, doctor?"

Soren took a pretty pink peach from his desk, sniffed it, and threw it away. Then he was Hit With Symbolism. Then he said, "Uh…yeah, sure, I'd like that. Nothing like paying good cash to get something you can get perfectly free on the black market. There are plenty of people willing to share that kind of stuff when you jack into the back alley-net if you aren't afraid of catching sick. _Wolves Like Taking it Ruff Ruff Ruff from Be-Hound _is my personal favorite. People have a thing for the laguz, it seems. Of course, in real life, well….AWK-ward."

"I bet you like cats, too, don't you?"

"Sure. Meow. I love a good _**pussy**_**cat**." Soren made sure to time the pause between syllables just right so people knew he was intentionally giving the censors the old what-for. Up the old you-know-where. "_**Pussy**__cats_ are very skilled at _**snatch**__ing_ victory, ensuring_** cont**__inued_ success _**of a gino**__rmous_ proportion."

"Tee hee. That was clever, that last one."

"Really? I impress me sometimes."

"You know, I could 'service' you now if you want. Right here on the floor." Anna licked her fingers and giggled. She crawled across the floor like a slutty red-headed cat, her back arched, advancing with every word. The lampshade on her head swung back and forth like a chandelier. "Or…I could teach you how to do a few things…step…by…step…until you understand them…"

"No, I'm good. I'm too busy fantasizing about other things."

"Ooh!" Anna said, jumping up and down while squee-ing madly. "Tell me all of your strange fantasies, Doctor Kierkegaard! Tee hee hee! You know I'd looooove to properly explain some of mine. In fact I do…if you purchase _Anna Gone Crazy_ right now!"

"But tigers…well, what more can I say? It's a tiger-eat-tiger world out there."

"Every month, you'll be automatically signed up to get the latest hot releases of _Anna Gone Crazy,"_ Anna said, then added very quickly, "for the low low price of 39.95."

"What was that?"

"Nothing!" said the red-headed slut, whistling. "Tee hee. Anyway, I had plenty of fun last night alone. Let's just say Ike was a little bit…_mouthy_ to me. Ohhhhh…"

"Is that all you have to say?" Soren said, eating another banana. He was suddenly irritable.

"Tee hee. Yes. Tee hee."

"Then go get blown."

"Tee hee hee! With _pleasure_, doctor!" Anna said.

"Promise me you won't come back for the rest of the chapter!"

Anna took the lampshade off her head, blew Doctor Soren a kiss, then put the lampshade back on her head. She tried to leave the room but accidentally walked into a wall. After saying "Oops" and "Tee hee," she bounced out of the room.

Soren sighed and sat back. Sometimes he thought his great power of doctorly awesomeness was all just a curse. Sure, he got to help people, but usually they didn't even need helping in the first place. And nothing interesting ever happened. Everyone around him was an idiot, the Council of Medical People hated his guts, and even Nurse Anna's constant hypnotizing jiggling did not amuse him (although whenever she wore her hat with the big floppy carrot on it, he always entertained himself watching the carrot flop up and down.)

Aside from that, though, every day was boring as the shit, and Soren almost considered starting another war so he would have something fun to do. Even the novelty of slutty red-headed tutorial girls got old _eventually_. He wished _something_ interesting would happen. As it turned out, our sheepless hero Soren realized he had to make his own fun. He pulled out a bag of potato chips from his desk and ripped it open.

"Just watch me, Ike," Soren said, laughing maniacally. He wanted to get back at Ike for some reason he did not totally understand. He felt power coursing through his veins. "I'll take a potato chip…AND EAT IT!" He crunched down on the potato chip and laughed maniacally again. Then he said "Ow."

"Ow!" he said. "My friggin' mouth got cut! Do not want! **DO NOT WANT!**"

Soren was about to look for something to soothe the pain in the roof of his mouth when he heard a faint noise that sounded oddly like…a sneeze!?! Then, with a "boink" and a "pop", a girl appeared in the middle of the room, clutching a staff and looking about as bewildered as Soren was.

"Who the hell are you?!?" Soren yelled at the girl.

"W-W-What? Uh oh. Where did I go now?"

The girl wore blue and white mage's robes and some sort of magical rune glowed on the back of her right hand. She had black hair, big shiny green eyes, and other stuff. She was hot in a clueless kinda way.

She looked around the room.

"And I was just about to sit down to eat, too!" the girl whined. "Wow, I must be really unlucky…"

"If I may kindly ask…WHO THE FLONK ARE YOU?!?" Soren yelled.

"Huh? Who, me? Oh, right. Uh, my name's Viki…by the way, where am I? Who are you?"

Soren narrowed his eyes. "Soren. Doctor Soren to you, peon. Now, explain to me how you just happened to appear out of thin air, _would you kindly_?"

"Spontaneous teleportation," the girl called Viki said, almost immediately after Soren's oddly-worded request, as though she had been compelled. She clutched onto her staff for dear life. "Uh…actually, I don't know why I'm here…or even where 'here' is. It happens a lot. Whenever I sneeze…but strangely enough, not when I blink…but that would be even more annoying. I'm just glad I don't have allergies."

"Right," Soren said. He sat down in his swivel chair and pulled a notebook from his desk, setting it on the table. Then he took out a red pen. "So, would you say that you are an evil spirit? A spirit of death, perhaps?"

"A what?"

Soren's eyes flashed. He grabbed the pen and randomly started stabbing his notebook. "DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE!"

Viki just stared.

"Sorry, I always wanted to do that," Soren explained, putting the notebook away. "So…who did you say you were, again?"

"Um, I'm Viki. Say, you wouldn't happen to have a—"

"So, what's your problem, Viki?" Soren said, fiddling with his pen. "Whoopie cough? Jazzitis? Acute Shakespeare-speaking Syndrome? Or do you just need a condom? You know, because, I won't tell."

"A what?"

Soren facepalmed. "Never mind. Look, what do you need?"

"Well, as long as I'm…wherever I am, I might as well help you guys. Are you guys…fighting a battle or something?" Viki looked around.

"We're finished with our battle. It kinda sucks. Dead bodies make me smile."

"Oh. Jeez, this is so weird. Why can't I remember that one guy's name? Wait, did he have a name? Wait, didn't he have some stupid name? Like 'Fat Fry a Door' or something? Oh, jeez."

"Uh, by any chance, have you met a red-headed sl—girl named Anna? I get the feeling that you two would hit it off real well…you have to show more skin, though."

"Do I know _who_?"

"Actually, maybe you'd hit it off with Ilyana. Do you like eating? Oh, who knows? Who cares?"

"This kinda stinks. I don't have any of my other runes…I can use magic if someone gives me something to hit…oh, this is so _weird_! Stupid me! Stupid, stupid, stupid me! I always end up somewhere weird at the _worst_ possible time! I don't even remember where I was tomorrow." Viki sighed and shook her head. She dropped to the ground on her backside and just started rocking in place.

Soren cocked one eye, and eyed one co—breast. Something the girl had said struck him as odd. "Don't you mean, 'where I was yesterday'?"

"Huhhh?" Viki said, looking up at him cluelessly. "What'd you just say?"

Soren facepalmed again. "Well, this is…very interesting. You see, this is the part where I gather up my merry band of rogues and confer with them about the diagnosis…except I don't have a merry band of rogues. In fact, I don't have anyone smart. Well, that is, unless we receive a visit from Tit—"

Just then, the door flew open and Titania flew in.

"Titania," the doctor said.

"Soren," Titania replied. "I need to speak with you."

Soren looked over at Viki and winked, jerking a thumb in Titania's general direction. "She likes me, you see. Can't keep her eyes off me, actually."

Titania cleared her throat. LOUDLY.

"Can't keep my eeeeeyes on you," Soren sang in falsetto, serenading Titania with his hands. "I want to touch you so much. At long last, the train has arrived; and I thank Bob I'm on time. You're just too hot to be false; can't keep my balls off youuu…"

"_Doctor_ Soren! You are—"

"DAH DAH. DAH DAH. DAH DAH DA dadaDAda DAH DAH DAH. DAH DAH. Daaahhhhhhh…I WUB YOU BAY-AY-BE, and if it ain't all right I'll fu—"

"SOREN!" Titania bellowed, so loudly that Soren jumped out of his chair and Viki momentarily flickered in and out of existence in this dimension.

"Jeez, Titanny, could you say it any softer?" Soren whined, rubbing his ears. He smacked his cane on his desk angrily. "My Bob, you'd think I was at the clinic with all the whining goin' on here."

"I didn't ask you to sing a ballad."

"No, but if you hum a few bars I can fake it."

"Soren," Titania said, in a tone that threatened to beat him senseless with a tuba if he said _one more_ stupid thing.

"Whaaat?"

"You're being censured again."

"AGAIN?!?"

"A-gain."

Soren sighed. "That shit is unglued."

"Word," Viki said, nodding vigorously. She was at present sitting with crossed legs, holding her big staff, meditating or something like that. Soren tried to whack her with his cane but she was too far across the room.

"I can't cover for you forever, Soren," Titania said, shaking her head. "Sooner or later, it's going to be your ass, Mr. Postman."

"What the hell does that mean?" Soren said, throwing his arms up in the air. "Well, I just don't care."

"You should," Titania said reproachfully. "A good ass is hard to come by."

On the other side of the door, Soren could faintly hear Anna giggling.

"Okay, Titanny, I'll take care of it. But only if you take care of me." Soren winked and Titania groaned. She walked out of the room in a hurry, brushing by Anna, who was at the door, listening.

"So," Soren said once he and Viki were alone. "I think I have an idea what your problem is, Viki."

"Oh. What?"

Soren fumbled around in his desk and found a dictionary, three empty boxes of tissues, a stuffed moose head, a suspicious and a candle. "Oh, dammit, where is it?" Eventually Soren found what he was looking for: A strange metal helmet with a bunch of weird wires and gizmos hooked up to it and inside sat a huge, purple crystal overflowing with all the energy of the cosmos. There was a small electronic display where a message was being displayed. The screen read: "I like fish."

"Now we're cookin'," Soren said, smiling.

"What's that?"

"This is the Temporal Temporal Lobe Tempura Temperer Tamperer," explained the doctor, holding up the helmet. "It stares through the folds of space/time to look at your temporal lobe, and it tampers with your ability to cook tempura, and it also tempers your enthusiasm."

Viki wriggled her nose.

"In other words, it's gonna cook your head like an egg."

Soren made to dump the helmet on Viki's head.

"W-Wait, don't, I'm a-a-a—!"

"What are you—"

"CHOO!"

Soren blinked and suddenly they were both in a forest.

"What the frick just happened?!? W-What the flonking frunk, frak it!" Soren exclaimed, looking at the trees and bushes and dirt, his mind thoroughly blown.

Viki sniffled. "Oh, nuts. Sorry about that. I tried to warn you! I had a tickle in my nose."

"A tickle?"

"Yeah."

"Doesn't that, you know…interrupt your daily life?" Soren said, looking around for the helmet, which he had dropped in shock at being rudely yanked out of his happy place. He shook his head and looked for an end to the forest. "And where the hell are we?"

"No, it doesn't interrupt me much…since I don't sneeze very often. If I'm trying to teleport someone, though…well, it can get dicey pretty quickly. Oh, by the way, we're in the forest."

"Oh, no shit we're in a forest. I mean, WHAT forest? There are hundreds of forests in Crimea."

"Well, could be Jowston…or Falena…"

"Did we inadvertently teleport out of the country?" Soren paced, unusually tense. "Oh, this sucks. We gotta get back, or…oh, wait a minute, I know where this is!"

Soren dashed over to a large old oakbirchpine tree and rubbed the bark with his hand. "I remember! Back when I was, like, ten or something. This is the tree where I carved: "Soren (hearts) Ik—uh, Ikan'twaitto buy my first whore! Whores! Female whores." Soren laughed far too loud and when Viki looked at him strangely, he barked, "Shut up! I am most certainly NOT talking about someone to whom I was suspiciously close to in my childhood. Absolutely not true."

They walked for a while in silence until the woods ended and they could see Castle Crimea looming large in the distance.

"Um, Doctor Soren?" Viki asked hesitantly. "Just out of curiosity…since it seems like I'm going to be around for a while…d-do you want to see if we have any Unite attacks?"

Soren gave Viki a glare that could melt cheese. "Is that a veiled offer for…sexual misconduct?"

"A-Ah…wha—"

"WELL I'LL DO IT!" Soren yelled excitedly and ran towards the black-haired mage girl.

"Wh-what?"

"I'M PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF DOING SOME CHICK! IT'S NOT IMPOSSIBLE!" Soren yelled. "I AM **INTO** THAT SORT OF THING, **OKAY**? YOU HEAR ME, ZEUS? I'M NORMAL!!!"

Viki just blinked as Soren suckled on her toes for a few minutes.

"Um, don't you have to get back to your, uh…castle?" Viki asked.

There was a satisfying _pop_ as Soren stopped suckling on her big toe. "Castle can wait. Me are will going to be a man today. I am going to _do a girl_! Maybe that'll stop those damn rumors. So lay down, sister, the Sorencoaster is loading up ready to fly down that hill!"

"Actually," said Viki, "I think I'm g—go—going to—to—snee—!"

"Oh shit."

Soren got up and RAN. He ran like the wind, he ran like he never ran before. He ran for the seasons, ran for the reasons, turned, turned (then turned again and turned again), ran with me, ran for the years, ran for the laughter, ran for the tears. He ran with me, just for today, never tomorrow to come and take him away.

It didn't help.

"_**AAACHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!**_"

When Soren came to next, he was back in his office, sitting in his swivel chair. He shook his head, looked around, and sighed. Strangely, Viki was nowhere to be found. He rustled around in his desk and took out the Temporal Temporal Lobe Tempura Temperer Tamperer. The display screen said: "When Viki sneezed, she teleported herself through _space_ and teleported you backwards through _time_ to this morning."

"Well, that explains it," Soren said, nodding. "Isn't it convenient how that so accurately summarized what just happened? Now THAT'S what I call efficient plot exposition." Soren put the helmet back in the desk. He could have sworn he heard it laughing at him. Then Anna burst through the door.

"_Hellooo_ doctor!" said the nurse, the lampshade on her head swinging. "I feel so good! And tired! And sore."

"I thought I said don't come back for the rest of the chapter!" Soren teased.

"Tee hee…what? When was that? Tee hee."

"In the future."

"Oh. Tee hee." Anna skipped over to the doctor's desk. "I'm sure you want me to tell you about all my little sexual escapades, right? Tee hee."

"Tell me? Baby, I need to become a man! You gotta _show_ me!" Soren leapt ten feet into the air and onto Anna, who giggled uncontrollably as they rolled around on the floor.

And thus the sexing was on.

-

(Author's note: So, _Suikoden_ fans should appreciate this chapter, for obvious reasons. :D )


	5. Number Double OHHH 37, Lover of Women

_Episode 5: NUMBER (DOUBLE OHHH) 37, Lover of Women_

- O -_  
_  
(A/N: OH SWEET MERCIFUL GOD WHAT WAS I THINKING WHEN I WROTE THIS CHAPTER? WAS I HIGH? REALLY?)

- O -

Immediately the next morning, frustrated by the delay in getting him his Vulnerary (and in need of a coherent plot,) Doctor Soren decided to walk down to the Farmer Cyst's Guild himself, making sure to smack everybody he saw with his cane as he left the castle.

It was a dark and stormy day...wait, no it wasn't. It was actually a nice day, and the walk down from Crimea Castle to the building that served as the headquarters of the Farmer Cyst's Guild was entirely pleasant, despite the doctor having to do it with his cane (insert witty remark here).

After receiving his goods (assuring the Cyst Farmers that he would deliver the pain meds to some guy in horrific pain,) Soren was about to return to his "office" when he overheard two women talking.

"Ooh, I know exactly what the problem is," one of them said. They were standing next to a banana cart, so Soren sneakily snuck (a snake! a snake!) and hit behind the cart, taking a banana from the wagon before anyone noticed. The first woman had big black boots, long blonde hair, a "get-back stare" (whatever that meant) and a headband that reminded Soren of ninja, for some odd reason. She was carrying a carton of fruit. "My grandma had it. All you have to do is take a wash of lemon, lavender, and Kaliyugamayafeya spice from Gallia and put it right on the spot. It'll take care of the problem easy."

The other woman, a small, meek-looking purple-haired girl, squeaked. Her cheeks turned an adorable shade of pink. "D-Do you really think it would work? I-I mean, do I put it right on the—" she lowered her voice— "_you know_…"

The blonde nodded. "Yeah, rub it right in there."

"E-Even on the b-b-bumpy thing?"

"Yeah, yeah, that's the ticket," the blonde said, giggling. "Right there, right above 'that place'. Right on your gentle gentles. You know, if you really want, I could help you apply it. Mmm…I have _reeeeeally_ gentle hands."

"EEE! A-A-Ah…n-no, thank you," the purple-haired girl said. She saw Soren standing behind the fruit cart, surreptitiously listening to their conversation while fiddling with his banana. Soren was certain that the rather tall blonde had not seen him, and the purplette seemed meek enough to be silenced when Soren put his finger to his lips and then to his throat as if to say "If you reveal my presence, I will SHOVE FRUIT DOWN YOUR THROAT" or some other such thing.

"You sure, cutie? I could do it _easy_…"

"Y-Yes, I'm sure! I-I can do it myself, I just…need to buy the i-ingredients. I-I…I just don't like showing other people m-m-my…" The purple-haired girl lowered her voice again, and if Soren hadn't had ears of iron, he might not have heard her. "R-Rashes."

"I can understand," the blonde said, nodding vigorously, which made her goods jiggle. Then she accidentally dropped them. "Oh, dammit," she said as she bent over to pick up the fruit carton (not the fruit cart.) "I dropped my melons."

Several men turned around to stare, one of whom happened to be Gatrie. Soren listened intently but his visual attention was solely focused on the bananas piled on the fruit cart (not the fruit carton.)

"I really should wear a harness carrying around these melons," the blonde said, hoisting up the carton. "It was so much easier back when I just had oranges."

The purple-haired girl said "Meep."

"So, anyway, good luck with your rash," the blonde said, apparently not noticing how loud she was being, with the result that the entire plaza could hear what she was saying. "They're so annoying, I know. Especially when they get all red and blotchy, I get it. Hey, don't worry, it'll be fine, just remember that wash I was talking about. Put it right on your veeminy-jeeminy and it'll be all better! Okay, see ya!"

Before the purple-haired girl could answer, the blonde was off again, but as she turned to walk by the cart, she tripped over a cane. The purplehead girl seemed transfixed where she was, and she was shivering in fear, for some odd reason. She looked vaguely beet-like.

"Ooooow!" the blonde cried, getting up. She brushed herself off and untangled herself from her cape. "Shoulda watched where I was going."

"Why hello there," Soren said, finally revealing himself from behind the fruit cart. He dramatically ate his banana. "I couldn't help but notice that you're…surprisingly competent at…you know, medical stuff."

"What are you talking about?" the woman asked, her lips twisted into an incredibly sour expression. "Who are you, anyway?"

"My name is Doctor Soren. But everybody just calls me Indy. Don't. Call. Me. _Junior_! Anyway, that's not important. What IS important is me getting people ready for when it's booty call time. What I'm saying is…I have a position available on my staff."

The blonde slapped him viciously. Soren wondered if he deserved that one. When she slapped him again, this time on the other cheek, he realized that maybe he _did_ deserve that one.

"You lech!" she growled. "I'm not into _that_ sort of thing." She smacked a pile of bananas over contemptuously and they fell off the wagon in an avalanche of symbolism. Apparently she disliked bananas and presumably other banana-like objects.

_What a senseless waste of life, _Soren thought bitterly. But he had no time for eulogizing bananas, because justice awaited him!

"No, no, I _actually_ meant I have a position available on my staff. As in, a spot on my team. As a doctor."

"Oh. Wait, so what do you want me to _do_? Because I have to be going…"

Soren facepalmed. The blonde was about to leave when Soren grabbed her arm. "Look, if you're interested in making money, come to Castle Crimea and ask for tha docta. 'Cause the docta is always in da house."

The blonde scoffed very loudly. "Yeah, right, like I would listen to you, you little angst-ridden donkey-balled dirtbag."

The blonde had almost left when Soren mentioned, loudly and offhandedly, "Well, it's a shame this young miss won't meet my _lovely young female assistants_. Anna was really looking forward to showing a new doctor a few _medical secrets_, and Ilyana is sooooo _hungry_, she really wants someone who can help her satisfy her appetite for _melons_. Oh well, I guess there's other—"

"Wait," said the blonde. Soren jumped. Somehow she had went from halfway across the market plaza to directly behind Soren in about forty-two nanoseconds.

_Ninjas, _Soren thought, shuddering involuntarily.

"I'm…not really employed, so to speak…so maybe I can help you out…for a fee."

"Fine, fine, sure," Soren said. "_I'm_ not paying the bills. I got people takin' care of that shat. Hell, I buy _pizza_ with Titanny's money."

It was true. Not only did Soren not pay anyone anything, but he used the Vain-Egotistical Cash (the next step up from Petty Cash) his boss always gave him to buy either porn or pizza, or sometimes both, when the store had a special deal going. The only downside was that the red-headed non-slut Titania got his services for the price of dirt. Not even expensive dirt, but regular dirt. No one else would even hire Doctor Soren because of the reputation he had as an existential angst magnet, which wasn't entirely untrue. So, despite his brilliance, Soren found himself at the mercy of the red-headed Dean Queen of Mean, the tall woman whom he may or may not have had a torrid affair with (tune in next time to find out about that little detail.)

Also, Doctor Soren had to appear before the Invisible Shadow Marionette Council of Lords alarmingly and disturbingly often to answer for his myriad various transgressions. That was a problem. Luckily, the council couldn't do anything rash like revoke his medical license because Soren was THE ONLY DOCTOR AROUND. Soren, of course, exploited this like the crap. Plus, he didn't have a medical license. He did things all on-the-fly like.

"Well, then, I guess I'm in then." The blonde brushed a strand of goldilocks out of her face very dramatically. "I'll wait for you back at Castle Crimea, I guess."

"Wait a minute," Soren said, holding out his hand to stop her from walking away. Incidentally, he inadvertently grabbed one of her melons and said "honk honk" like a horn, but since she was too busy "servicing" herself, she didn't notice. Nor did Soren, actually, who was too busy sucking on his banana.

"What do you want?" the blonde asked, trying not to drop the fruit carton full of melons.

"What are you doing with those melons?"

The blonde sputtered, said "uh" a few times, and then she thought for a few seconds. "What am I do—I'm saving them for someone _special_, that's what I'm doing!"

"Fair enough," Soren said. He was about to walk away, then he turned back. The crate-carrying blonde seemed sufficiently frustrated. "Oh, one more thing," said Soren.

"One more thing? What the hell is it with the 'oh, one more thing'? Is that your catchphrase now? 'Oh, one more thing'?"

"Why do I even need a catchphrase? Anyway, no, what I meant to say is…who the hell are you?"

"Huh? Me? Oh, you mean my name?" The blonde looked back at the purple-haired girl, who was STILL STANDING THERE, and then turned to Soren, sneering. "Well, I'm not going to tell YOU my real name. Why should I?"

"Well, okay then," Soren said. "Then I'll just call you…Number 37."

"Where did you get _that_ name?"

Soren pointed to the name tag on her left boob that said: "Hello, My Name Is: 37."

"Oh," she said.

"May I ask why you are called Number 37? Tell me or I'll feed you to the sharks. With friggin' razor blades. On their heads. And in their hearts. And in their cars. They can't rewind, they've gone too far, 'cause theatre killed the mime show star."

"I can't tell you why," Number 37 said. "Not here. Not now. I'll tell you later."

"Useful."

"Hey, I have to leave _something _up to the imagination!"

With that, the blonde, melon-bearing oddly-numbered ninja thief woman disappeared with alarming alacrity, and Soren was left holding his banana, wondering how something so good could go away so fast. His banana drooped.

"Thank you…so, so much."

Soren whirled around at the sound of a female voice behind him. The purple-haired girl (it was actually more like lavender) was standing in front of him. Soren was short, but this girl was shorter. She was very pretty in a childish, androgynous way. She wore a cute little white blouse and a short blue skirt, with needlessly girly pink slippers.

"What are you thanking me for?" Soren asked.

"That girl…she scares me to death! Sh-she was so _forward_! She just came up to me all of a sudden and asked if I was feeling all right! I had to tell her the truth because I was afraid she would hurt me if I lied! Oh, I was so frightened I couldn't even move!" The purp—er, lavender-haired girl's eyes began to pool with tiny woobie tears. "I-I have such a terrible fear of women. Oh, they frighten me so…"

Soren threw away the peel of his banana and grabbed a fresh one from the fruit cart. The burly man behind him seemed very angry about this for some reason, but Soren did not notice him.

"Wait," Soren said. "But…_you're_ a woman."

"W-Well…it's funny you should say that. I…I'm, um, actually _not_ a woman."

Soren blinked. The trap was sprung.

"Oh shit. OH SHIT. Well, as if this day wasn't frulked up enough. Now _this _is the kind of thing you don't tell your parents. Intelligently moronic, in other words."

For the very first time, Soren realized that the lavender-haired girl(?) was really pretty. A second and third and fourth and fifth look confirmed that opinion.

"Well, uh…" Soren scratched his head. The burly man behind him cleared his throat, but Soren did not notice him. "Did you, uh…happen to catch that blonde woman's name?"

"Her name?" the girl(?) said. Her(?) skirt billowed in the wind, revealing her(?) pink panties. "Actually, I…I was so scared, I barely remember anything she said to me…although, she _was_ c-c-c-cu-cu…hot. Plus, some stuff she whispered really softly in my ear."

"Well, can ya give it a shot? Try, try, try to understand. I'm a magic man. But you need to tell me what she said to you before I can work my mojo."

"Hmm…well, let me think. Actually, I think she said her name was, um…Hyacinth…or something like that. No, wait, I remember now; oh yeah, she said she was 'Randy', now I remember! 'Very Randy', she said. Is that a Begnion name? I don't think I've ever heard it before."

"WELP, that's all I need to hear," Soren said, shaking his head, utterly in despair. He threw the banana peel over his shoulder and it sucked onto the burly cart owner man's face like a fisherman's wife's dream. "Thanks for the help, Bridget."

Soren walked away, unable to hear the girl(?) insist that "Bridget" was not her(?) name.

- O -

(Insert scene describing how Soren and 37 get back to castle here)

- O -

Back in Castle Crimea, Soren and Number 37 checked out the office.

"So you work here," 37 said matter-of-factly.

Soren sat down in his office chair and motioned for Number 37 to sit down in a beanbag chair that he had forced a servant to make for him by hand in a warehouse under inhumane, uncomfortable conditions.

"This is comfortable!" 37 said when she sat in the chair.

"Glad to hear it," Soren said, though he did not sound glad. "So first, the technical technicalities. Your job here will be helping me with my cases. It won't be easy. But together we can change the world. So anyway. Just out of curiosity, what did that lavender-haired gu—girl have that you diagnosed so effectively?"

Number 37 rolled over onto her side. She shook her hair and her gold locks scattered over her face and shoulders. She spoke slowly. "She said she had a rash on her…toodly-voodly."

"Excuse me, I didn't catch that. Did you say her 'toodly-voodly'?"

"Yeah," Number 37 said, blushing heavily. "Yeah, that's what I said, 'toodly-voodly', you wanna fight about it?"

"Not hardly. I don't want to fight my shoes in the morning. And yet somehow those damn laces always want to get all up in my grill." Soren quaffed a Vulnerary. He thought about telling Number 37 about the purple-haired girl(?) and her(?) big "secret", but decided that the fun (and the question of what the rash was) was better left unspoken.

"So what exactly do you want me to do here?" Number 37 asked, looking around. "Your office…looks like a room in a castle."

"Brilliant. I never would've guessed," Soren said. "And as for your questions: I'm a _doctor_. What do you think I do, flip flapjacks? I'm like…a detective. I have to diagnose about one extremely uncommon medical ailment every week. And it's NEVER lupus. Or a wolf. For example! The other day, I helped a girl who had some sort of 'social disease' that made her spontaneously teleport through time AND space whenever she sneezed. Well, I _think_ it was a 'social disease.' What else would cause spontaneous violation of the time-space continuum BUT VD? And, I mean, she _looked_ easy to me. She'd do it for a buck and a cup of coffee, I'd swear it. Those blue-and-white magician's robes practically SCREAMED 'do me!'"

"So all I have to do is figure out what people who come to us have wrong with them?"

"Yes."

"Um…" Number 37 looked around nervously. "I get the women. You can have the men."

"That's fine with me," Soren said quickly—then he stopped. "I mean, uh…well, if you _insist_, I'll suffer through it. But only under protest!" Soren gulped. "Look, whether or not you have 'diplomatic relationships' with your female patients is none of my business, but my business is none of your business, and, er…therefore your business is none of my business. And you can't do my business while I'm doing my business."

Number 37 stared at him, jaw agape. "How do you still have a job?"

"Because I'm SO DAMN GOOD, baby," Soren said, kicking back in his reclining office chair. "I'm that good, yeah. I could diagnose a bear with a hangover at 15,000 miles."

"So, when do we start working? I need that money." 37 fidgeted impatiently.

"Whenever we get a case. Chill. We just gotta wait."

"Okay."

"You know, it's funny you should be named Number 37. I don't even have a Number 1. Wish I did. Then I could say cool shit like 'Make it so', and Number 1 would make it so. I'd even have a custom placard made that said 'This is the desk of Number One'."

"Nah, you don't have the accent for that. You need a cool accent to say stuff like that. You don't have an accent like that."

"Oh, you'd be surprised…"

"No, really, you don't have the accent," Number 37 said, reclining in her chair. "In fact, you don't have much of an accent at all. Except when you say 'placard'."

"You flatter me. You piss me off…but you flatter me."

"So. Do we have any cases to deal with now?"

Soren grinned. "You'll have to wait until next week to find that out," he said, winking. "Well, next week for them. For us it's only a day. You know, the theory of tell-a-river-ty."

37 rolled her eyes.

"Well, as long as we have some time to kill…" Soren rummaged through his desk until he found his bright pink keytar. He slung it over his shoulders, cleared his throat, and prepared to rock out.

"Sweeeeeeeeet mooooooon-shiiiiiine," Soren sang, tapping atonally on the keys with a look that could only have been one of sheer, utter, complete self-satisfaction.

"What are you doing?" Number 37 said, visibly disgusted. She crossed her legs.

"You've never heard that song?" Soren said, chortling. "Come on, I mean…it's _famous_. Why wouldn't you know? You know, the song by Skyemaker. They're the band that wrote 'Georgie's Got a Bow' and 'Love in an Outhouse'. You know the song, right? The one that goes 'Sweeeeeeeeet moooooooonshiiiiiine?' That one?"

"I think you got that wrong."

"Really? I got it wrong?"

37 laughed in a way that proved that she had absolutely no respect for Doctor Soren whatsoever. Soren liked her already.

"37, I think this is the beginning of a long and beautiful friendship." Soren reclined in his chair. He fumbled around in his desk for a stogie and lit it up. "Here's lookin' at you, kid." He looked at her.

"You look at me, you die." 37 squeezed her breasts and blushed. "These are for _women only_."

"Wow. How very unsubtle." Soren grinned. He fished around in his desk for a badge and threw it to 37. He meant to throw the one that said 'Fellow' at her, but accidentally threw a yellow 'I'm with stupid' badge. She put it on anyway. "37, we're going to get along just fine. Now let's get working."


	6. Haar and Nolan go to Crimea Castle pt 1

_Episode 6: Haar and Nolan go to Crimea Castle pt. 1_

- O -

(A/N: I'm sorry. I'm so, so, so sorry...)

- O -

"Hey, 37, let's both get butt-naked and start bangin' on the bathroom floor."

Doctor Soren always knew great conversation starters. When he went into his office with 37 early the next morning, he knew exactly what to say to get the ball rolling.

"Huhhh?" Number 37 said.

The doctor sighed. "Maybe I'll ask Nurse Anna and Ilyana when they come in."

"That's right!" 37 said, perking up. Soren took note. "You said you were going to introduce me to your nurses. I swear, if you were lying about having hot nurses, I'll—"

"You'll what? Bitch-slap me to hell and back? Pff. Think again, sista. I'm big pimpin'." Soren fished around in his desk for a bag of chewy worms and scarfed a few handfuls down. "They'll be in soon enough. You'll like them. My hos, I mean. Ilyana is a short-skirted schoolgirl with a metabolism like a pinball machine, and Anna is a red-headed slut. You'll love them. Promise."

"Oh…okay," 37 said, smiling.

Someone knocked on the door, and Doctor Soren yelled, "Come in!" Titania walked into the room, her bright white and gold breast…plate shimmering in the morning sun. Her red mare-tail of hair swooshed around jovially.

37 stood up quickly, breathless. "Is this…_the red-headed slut_? SQUEEEEE! KYAAAAA! She's _cyuuute_!"

Titania gasped. Soren said, "Uh oh."

"DOCTOR Soren," Titania said, obviously appalled. "I see the new doctor has learned how you secretly address me."

"Oh come on, Titanny, it's a form of endearment. Just like 'angst-ridden donkey-balled dirtbag.'"

"That _wasn't_ a compliment," 37 said, but both Soren and Titania loudly shushed her.

"Uh huh," Titania said, her hands on her beautifully well-proportioned hips. "I'm sure. Doctor Soren, aren't you going to introduce me?"

"Oh, yeah, right. 37, this is Titanny—"

"Titania."

"Titanny, and Titanny, this is 37."

"In a row?" Titania said, incredulous.

"No, she's the only one," Soren said.

"I get that a lot," Number 37 noted.

"Well, it's very nice to meet you…er, Number 37. If that is your real name."

"I could tell you my real name anytime," 37 said quickly, smiling very prettily. "Maybe sometime tonight, over drinks?"

"I prefer to keep my professional relationships professional," Titania said politely. "And I like my drinks _on fire_. Oh, now that I think about it, Doctor Soren…ya fired."

"WHAT?"

"HAH! Just kidding!" Titania said, laughing triumphantly. "You should have seen the look on your face! HA HA! I'm not giving you the sack, doctor! I mean I hired a fat eunuch with a body odor problem to hold a match to you and burn your clothes. There, you're 'fired', see? HA HA!"

37 laughed and Soren grimaced.

"That was funny!" 37 said. "I'd like to hear some more of your jokes."

Titania blinked. "Um, sure, yes. So, Doctor Soren…"

"Yeah?"

"We have a problem. Lord Grand Master Duke Pompington the Seventh and One-Halfth, the grandmaster of dirty tricks, has sanctioned you for being, and I quote, 'An enormous ass'. I don't think I need to remind you he has the power to make your life a living hell."

"Oh, here's what I think of _that_," the doctor said. Soren reached into his drawers and grabbed his nuts…then he ATE THEM.

37 gasped.

"These are good," Soren said. Since he was a little boy, Soren had always loved to eat honey-roasted peanuts. In fact, he always kept a tin of them in the top drawer of his desk. "37, you don't like nuts?"

"I'm allergic to them."

"Why am I not surprised?" Soren said, chuckling. "I love nuts. They taste so good."

Titania cleared her throat. "Soren, this is a serious matter. Duke Pompington is as rich as the sun and almost as much power as the Queen. He could make your world a very dismal place indeed."

"A little slow on the draw there then, isn't he, Titanny? I'm already living in a crapsack world." Soren quipped, still chomping his nuts. He smiled in a way magical enough to make anyone in the universe spontaneously drop trou. With his free hand he tried to whack Titania on the head with his stick, but she was out of range, and Soren was unwilling to move from his swivel chair, so he decided to just spin around and say "Whee!" instead.

"Whee!" Soren said.

Titania rolled her eyes. "Be serious, Doctor Soren. We could be in an inordinate amount of trouble." Titania suddenly turned to 37. "May I ask why you are called 37, miss? Of course, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

Soren snickered. "They gave her a number and took away her name."

"I'm not a secret agent woman, if that's what you mean," 37 said. "Although I have been mistaken for a 'Stocks and Bonds' Girl, whatever that means."

"Then you must be going down, in this market." Soren quipped.

"I've been told I'm good at going down, yes," 37 said, fluttering her eyelids proudly. From the other side of the door, Anna giggled uncontrollably.

"ANNA!" Soren shouted. "My sexfriend! Get in here, you slut-headed red—er, red-headed slut—and meet the new doctor on staff!"

Anna opened the door and walked in. Red-haired, slim, and sexy as all hell, referred to on the streets as "Anna the Tutorial Girl" because she taught a lot of lucky boys how to do a few things they never knew how to do before. Soren watched with no small measure of amusement as Number 37's jaw DROPPED.

"Don't even think about it," Soren said, trying to contain his laughter. "She has a boyfriend. Some tight-suited sailor boy named Jake. _Captain_ Jake Starling. Which _of course_ precludes her from having sexual relationships with any other persons because we all know she's entirely monogamous. No, I'm not kidding."

"Tee hee. I don't know what that means, but…" Anna bounced up to 37. "I don't think we've been introduced. You didn't tell me you had another woman, Doctor Kierkegaard!"

"I'm not 'his woman'," 37 insisted indignantly. "I'm a free woman. And I'm not involved with anyone right now, so I'm free to date whatever women I want."

"Tee hee. You mean, 'whatever men I want', right?"

"N-No, I said women."

"Tee hee. Wait…" Anna scratched her head. "How…does that work? Two women? Together? But then you don't have a co—"

"OK!" Titania said quickly. "Thank you, Miss Nurse Person. Now, no more of that. Doctor Soren, the bottom line is that the Almighty Council wants ten DOCUMENTED cases of you actually helping people overcome a serious illness. And you're not allowed to use anyone you've healed in the past."

"Oh, _that's_ really going to limit my options," Soren said, snorting.

"You have one week from today to find ten people with serious ailments and cure them. And don't just make up fake names like you do with those bullshit prescriptions."

"What are you talking about?" Soren snapped, but his heart skipped (like his heart, Soren made sure no one could see _him_ skipping; he had already got a lot of grief and a nickname ['Backdoor Sor'] for doing that in public.)

"Don't play dumb with me, Soren. I know about the Vulnerary."

"Yeah, but, you know, in a dramatic scene like this where you accuse me of forging prescriptions to get pain medication for my crippling addiction, you could at least wait until the new doctor and the red-headed slut have left the room!"

"Who?" Titania said, and she seemed genuinely confused. Soren was faced with the reality that Titania seemed to have _forgotten there was anyone else in the room_. Either that or she just plain didn't give a crud.

"Give me a break, Titanny," Soren grumbled. He clomped over to the door with his cane and when he got there, he held his hand out like Vanessa Green showcasing a prize on 'The Wheel O' Luck.' "I got bigger things to deal with than you."

"Like your ego."

Anna gasped and 37 said "Oh, snap!"

"Touche, Titanny," said the doctor.

"That's why older women are so great!" said 37, giggling. "They're so smart. And so reliable!"

"I'm not 'old', Miss 33," Titania replied, her lips pursed. "And, Soren? I'm not going to bail you out if you flornk this up. You have to prove to me I was right to put my trust in you. Well then, Miss Teehee, Miss 72, if you'll excuse me."

37 watched Titania walk out the door, then her gaze immediately turned to Anna.

Meanwhile, Soren was deep in thought, clutching his cane so hard it snapped and turned into two fish.

"Oh, dammit," Soren said. "I hate it when that happens." The two blue fish were flopping around on the floor helplessly. It was a recurring problem: whenever Soren broke anything out of anger, the borked pieces of whatever it was he broke magically turned into animals. That one time he broke his writing desk with a karate chop, he found himself taking care of a sheep and a gazelle. When he hit a watchtower with his cane so hard it collapsed, he found himself with two elephants.

It was annoying sometimes. On the positive side, it was cheaper to buy a wooden cane from the pirate with a prosthetic limb that hung out by the docks than it was to buy fish from Ol' Genghis Bob the Fishmongol. Therefore, whenever he wanted a fresh dinner of cod just for the halibut, he bought a cane cheap and commenced to breakin'.

"I SMELL FISH!" Number 37 blurted suddenly, and Anna giggled.

Soren was about to berate the two women for their sheer idiocy when there was a knock at the door.

"Tee hee. Is Titania back?" Anna asked, but instead of the Dean Queen of Mean so Mean It's Obscene, the voice was meek and nearly inaudible through the door.

"Um…it's me."

Soren rolled his eyes. "Ilyana, open the door."

"Um…I can't."

"Why not?"

"Um…it's too heavy. Too…hungry…"

"Gaw dammit," Soren said, limping across the room. He flung open the door. "Get in here."

Ilyana drunkenly stumbled into the room and promptly collapsed.

"Oh my gaw!" 37 said, and she rose up from her beanbag chair like the bride of Frank-n'-berry. "That girl…is so HOT!"

"I think she's unconscious. That makes her even hotter, right? Tee hee—no, wait, that's not funny."

Soren hauled Ilyana up by the underarms and put her back on her feet. She groaned.

"Hun…gry…fish?" Ilyana's head jerked up. "I smell fish."

Anna giggled.

"Shut up, Anna."

"Tee hee…whatever you say, Doctor Kierkegaard!"

"Why don't you make yourself useful and go find some people who have problems. And not 'clinic' problems, 'problem' problems. Like their arm is falling off or something. You know...FRESH MEAT! Tell them that if they let me help them, I'll give them two free fish."

"Can do, doctor! Tee hee."

"Oh, and pick me up some more of those wooden canes. If ol' One-Eye One-Leg One-Arm One-Tooth One-Ball Willie Blondbeard is having his two-for-one special, get six. For the price of three, of course."

"Your wish is my co-plan!" Nurse Anna skipped out of the room, and 37 whined briefly before turning her sights to the beautiful wisp of a girl who seemed reinvigorated by the smell of fish. 37 made a note of that.

"I am…so hungry," Ilyana said, when it was just the three of them (they can make it if they try, just the three of them.) "Is that fish I smell?"

"Oh ya. You want it, Nurse Ilyana? Well, you can have it, babe." Soren hobbled to his desk, found one of the flopping blue fishies (who _stared_ at Soren), and threw it to Ilyana. Of course, it smacked her in the face and sent her flying. "Remember, fish goes right to your ass. If you don't mind being a FAT PIG then by all means be my guest."

Ilyana wasted no time ripping into the fish, taking a huge chomp out of its side, scales and all. The fish was mortified, 37 was amused, and Soren seemed ambivalent about the whole thing. On one hand, eating the fish alive saved the time needed to cook it. On the other hand, you have the fish, who is _looking_ at you while you murderously cannibalize it.

"You know, cutie, if you ever want to try a _fish taco_…I might be able to help you out," 37 said, winking.

Somewhere along the line, Soren's proverbial donkey of thought brayed and wandered down a different path, hopefully not one that led to a Gallian "donkey performance art." While riding hard the proverbial ass, Soren realized that two doctors was not going to be enough. Anna was going to screw twenty men for every legitimate patient she found, and Ilyana…well, Ilyana was Ilyana. She had her uses (at least she didn't need that forklift yet) but doing simple tasks was not one of them. 37 was at least somewhat capable, but she alone could not help Soren reach his 10 patient limit in a week. He needed fresh meat.

- O -

(Author's Note: Part 2 coming up soon! …okay, that's a lie, but it'll come out…_eventually_. You may have noticed that neither Haar nor Nolan show up in this chapter. Well, that may be true, but...hey look, a fish!

Anyway, for lack of a better place to put a series of author's notes about all the pop-culture references I jammed into this chapter, I'll put a short list right here. Random-ass, often stupid, utterly non-sequitur references include, but is not limited to: _Clerks, Suikoden, It Wasn't Me, James Bond, Monty Python's Flying Circus, Monty Python's Life of Brian, The Apprentice, Pirates of the Caribbean, Wheel of Fortune, Frankenstein_, plus yet more references to an obscure Danish philosopher, not to mention the CHAPTER TITLE and the SERIES TITLE…and that's just _this _chapter!

Thanks for reading!

…Please don't leave.)


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